I always let you walk all over me
Like I’m the actual ground you walk on
But I’m tired of the fucking footprints
That you leave on my heart
Thanks to you now I’ll never be the same
For I have the footsteps of a coward on my soul
As a little girl, my mother and father would drive around while smoking in the car, with the window rolled down, as I would roll up the ends of my sleeves clenching them towards my nose to be rid of the smell I have never liked.
I believed that when my parents would smoke around me, I was a smoker too. I had had the scent of a smoker too. But when I was with you, it was different.
That night, not caring how much I hated those sticks of paper as a child, I would watch you put it in your mouth and on your lips, inhaling it until you couldn’t any further. I silently sat in the backseat admiring how you would slowly inhale and exhale the toxic fumes it gave off.
That night, I went home.
I walked in through my back door.
I slid my shoes off and tiptoed toward my bedroom.
I passed my parents’ room, witnessing them sound asleep next to each other, peacefully.
I took off my old grey sweatshirt and inhaled slowly, the smell of your secondhand smoke, and smiled.
Because it was yours.
I hated those sticks of paper full of toxic fumes.
I hated the smell of those sticks of paper full of toxic fumes.
Now, myself, I am one of those sticks of paper full of toxic fumes.
We both have touched your pink, chapped lips, got used, and are now thrown away.
carve out words on my chest;
and always second best.
i don’t mind the sting,
hurt me all you desire,
for pain comes with every touch you bring.
i shoot you up my veins,
and feel you in every part of me.
gotta stay high
all the time,
to keep you off my mind.
you try so hard to leave a mark on me,
you don’t care if it’s a scar.
i pray the words you tell me leave scars on your throat,
as you spit them all out.
she was a quiet girl with chapped lips and shaky hands
her breath smelt like vanilla and her tears tasted like champagne
she was a manifestation of distress.
she was a confused girl with pale skin and split ends
her skin was as soft as silk and her hair was as shiny as silver
under the words she never spoke aloud, hid the secret of her suffering.
she was an innocent girl with little freckles and big feet
her legs were bruised and her body was covered with scars
she let people hurt her, so she could not hurt others.
she was a paranoid girl with long hair and big eyes
her knees were knobby and her arms were strong
she avoided new faces to avoid the agony.
she was a lonely girl with short fingernails and rosy cheeks
her ears were tiny and her legs were long
she lost every bit of hope she once had.
she was a different girl with no trust and a broken heart
her body was abused and her feelings were neglected
she gave up.