impulse
You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.

You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like.

If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.

Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, and watching days go by and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference.

Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire—overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary.
Julien Smith, The Flinch (via oprosti)

(Source: larmoyante, via spacetrashjpg)

1. We met in the waiting room of our therapists office. He told me that orchids symbolize death and stuck one behind my ear. I kissed him too hard and my mother asked me why the scent of liquor was hanging off all my clothes. 8 months later I left white oleanders on his grave. They’re poisonous. I think we were too.

2. He drove too fast and I played music too loud and kissed him while he drove. We were our own accident waiting to happen. We almost drowned one night when we fell into a lake in the middle of winter. When we fell in love. He left me a note telling me that being with me was like being alone. I deleted his number but kept it written down in the back of my old social studies notebook from middle school. I have called him 8 times since then.

3. God, I would’ve fucking died for him. In a few ways, I did.

4. He fucked someone else because he hated the way my scars would split open and bleed all over my clothes. I took a lot of pictures of him. They’re still in my attic. I tried to burn them once but my hair caught fire instead.

5. I never knew his middle name. He spoke in poetry and choked down cigarettes and never answered my calls. I held his hand too tightly. He would climb in my window and fall asleep next to me. I think he had nightmares most nights. My mother found out he was staying over and kicked him out. Everything stopped smelling like him. I hate it.

6. We tried to run away but we were only 16 and we weren’t allowed to buy train tickets so we took a bus but I got sick halfway and threw up my parent’s worried voicemails. He took me to some shitty motel and let me sleep while he went out to buy drugs. We went home and never saw each other again.

7. He would touch my best friend’s thigh under the table when we all went out. I pretended not to notice. He pretended to love me.

8. We wrote each other love letters and he cut my hair to my shoulders. He tasted like coffee with two packets of sugar because that’s all he drank. He was still tired all the time. I wish I could’ve woken him up. My hair is down to my waist now. I can’t remember the sound of his voice.

9. I’m not sure if I ever even loved him. I’m think I might’ve been so in love with him. He lived next door. Our mothers hated each other. When he was 6 he pulled the flowers out of the garden in our backyard. When we turned 17 he followed me home from school and kissed me. He would wipe away my tears when I cried. And then a new girl showed up at school and he started taking a different route home. He pulled all the flowers out of my fucking garden.


9 boys my mother warned me not to kiss  (via extrasad)

(via t0xicist)

Welcome to high school where you’ll spit stomach acid out on the bathroom floor and dry heave over the sink because your first boyfriend fucked his ex after you relapsed. You’ll wear hoodies every day to hide your shakey hands and bloody knuckles from the wall and the night before when he didn’t call. You’ll rip your veins apart before a class presentation, so you can go home sick when the only thing really hurting is your wrists. You’ll shake and feel your body falling out of it’s skin and miss him because he was the only thing that stitched your frail bones together. But, he’ll let you drop to the floor so hard that you won’t be able to feel anything anymore. You’ll learn that people are not homes. He is not your shelter. He cannot save you. No matter how comfortable your body feels curled next to his or how he makes you feel like you have burning dragons flying around in your stomach. You absolutely cannot make him your everything because one day he might close the door in your face and choose to change the locks.
What I’ve learned from my experiences in high school (via cummingcourtesy)

(via t0xicist)

Angel, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the 3 AM breakup call and the liquor that stained my breath the last time we kissed. I didn’t mean to spit blood into your mouth but to be fair you were the one who made me bleed. I’m still bleeding and I don’t know how to make it stop and I’m sorry that I use everyone as a Band-Aid and throw them in the trash once I bleed through them. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay on the phone for longer than a minute when I told you it was over but I have to rip my Band-Aids off fast or else it hurts even worst. You still tingle in my veins and my skin still stings from tearing you off of me and honestly I think pushing you away hurt me more than it ever hurt you but still, I’m so god damned sorry. I feel it trembling in my bones. You never signed up for tear stained tile floors and bedroom doors that stayed locked for three days straight and I know you would’ve left anyways but I wish I hadn’t shoved you out the door. I know it was freezing outside. Honestly, I’m glad she gave you a ride home. I am, and I hope her blonde hair smells like honey instead of smoke and when she kisses you she doesn’t cry into your mouth and she brings you endless sunny days because you always forget to put your hood on when it’s raining. You were never ready for my storm.


I’m so glad you didn’t let me tear you apart (via lamebby)

(via sickfake)

1. We met in the waiting room of our therapists office. He told me that orchids symbolize death and stuck one behind my ear. I kissed him too hard and my mother asked me why the scent of liquor was hanging off all my clothes. 8 months later I left white oleanders on his grave. They’re poisonous. I think we were too.

2. He drove too fast and I played music too loud and kissed him while he drove. We were our own accident waiting to happen. We almost drowned one night when we fell into a lake in the middle of winter. When we fell in love. He left me a note telling me that being with me was like being alone. I deleted his number but kept it written down in the back of my old social studies notebook from middle school. I have called him 8 times since then.

3. God, I would’ve fucking died for him. In a few ways, I did.

4. He fucked someone else because he hated the way my scars would split open and bleed all over my clothes. I took a lot of pictures of him. They’re still in my attic. I tried to burn them once but my hair caught fire instead.

5. I never knew his middle name. He spoke in poetry and choked down cigarettes and never answered my calls. I held his hand too tightly. He would climb in my window and fall asleep next to me. I think he had nightmares most nights. My mother found out he was staying over and kicked him out. Everything stopped smelling like him. I hate it.

6. We tried to run away but we were only 16 and we weren’t allowed to buy train tickets so we took a bus but I got sick halfway and threw up my parent’s worried voicemails. He took me to some shitty motel and let me sleep while he went out to buy drugs. We went home and never saw each other again.

7. He would touch my best friend’s thigh under the table when we all went out. I pretended not to notice. He pretended to love me.

8. We wrote each other love letters and he cut my hair to my shoulders. He tasted like coffee with two packets of sugar because that’s all he drank. He was still tired all the time. I wish I could’ve woken him up. My hair is down to my waist now. I can’t remember the sound of his voice.

9. I’m not sure if I ever even loved him. I’m think I might’ve been so in love with him. He lived next door. Our mothers hated each other. When he was 6 he pulled the flowers out of the garden in our backyard. When we turned 17 he followed me home from school and kissed me. He would wipe away my tears when I cried. And then a new girl showed up at school and he started taking a different route home. He pulled all the flowers out of my fucking garden.


9 boys my mother warned me not to kiss  (via extrasad)
At thirteen I started crying as silently as my wrists
started bleeding. I never understood why I always
felt too heavy, like I was buried under bricks and no
matter how much weight I lost, I felt like I took up too
much space in this room, in this world. I never
understood why I pushed the word sadness out of my
mind and convinced myself that I was fine even when
I was sitting in a bathtub full of my own blood. I never
understood why I walked around with a mask that some
people called a smile, and why I always felt like a fraud
at the end of the day. I never understood the way happiness
was suppose to feel and how people could call it a choice
because fuck, if it is a choice I wouldn’t be staring at the
walls wondering why I’m even breathing. I never felt loved
and I thought it was something I’d feel after letting him into
my bed, but after kissing boys whose lips I knew better than
their own personality, I still felt nothing but numb. I never understood why I was afraid of the doctor and afraid of
being told I was clinically depressed. The day the news
broke I still didn’t comprehend it, was I going to be like
this forever?
Four years later, two medications, sessions of therapy,
my wrists no longer bleed but my soul does.
I’m seventeen now, and I still don’t understand.
i.c. // ”clinically depressed” (via delicatepoetry)

(via delicatepoetry)

1. My fingers shake when you hold my hand and my lips taste like whiskey when they should taste like cherry lip gloss and I reek of cigarette smoke but you always smell like roses.

2. I spend more time with my head bent over a toilet bowl than I do in your arms and I can’t make eye contact with you without feeling like my scars are gonna burst open again.

3. I’ve kissed more vodka bottles good morning than there are letters in both our names combined.

4. You’re sad and I’m drunk or high or both and I know you’ve called twelve times but if I pick up I won’t know what to say.

5. I may have been there last night and I may have loved every part of you with every fiber of my being, but today is a new day and I’ve never been good at keeping promises.

6. I can’t believe anything you say because I’m so used to spitting out lies at casual lovers. I haven’t learned that love is anything but casual.

7. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and I won’t wish I was dead, but until then I won’t be able to touch you without crying.


7 reasons why I’ll never be good enough for you (I’m so sorry). (via sickfake)

(via sickfake)

1. you are beautiful and the fact that your body is covered in scars won’t ever make me change my mind.

2. you are not fucked up, you are just sad. but you won’t be sad forever, i promise.

3. you show me all these quotes and tell me you love them and i know that you think that you couldn’t write something even better. but you can. you are art.

4. i’ve finally seen you asleep. you are the cutest.

5. i know you are not okay, but you look like you are. and you are so fucking strong. i couldn’t do this without crying.

6. it’s four in the morning and i am too tired to talk. come closer.

7. i love you. i love you. i love you. okay?

8. i am in love with you. you are the love of my life.

9. you are my life.


9 things you said to me, they made me fall for you (via marlboro-kisses)

1. wash your hair. It’s been 2 weeks since you’ve gotten out of bed. you’re crying too hard for a boy who doesn’t know that when you were born the doctors found stars in your bloodstream.

2. cheap liquor that tastes like peaches and bleach numbs the pain but it leaves you throwing up and I’m not going to hold your hair back so you can drink him down but he’ll come back up and burn your throat all over again.

3. He’s not worth the black outs and shaky hands. Eat something. He’s just a boy who pulled you in too deep. You don’t need him to save you. Get yourself out.

4. Latch your heart shut. save the key for a boy who wouldn’t mind picking the lock and make him give it back when he leaves, you are a hurricane, not a stitched up chest that he can rip open and let bleed every time he’s bored or misses your voice.

5. Wear the dress you wore on your first date with him every night this week. Make new memories in it so you don’t see him every time you open your closet. Leave it smelling like new boys wrapped around you and pretty girls kissing your cheek with red lipstick and cigarettes and city lights instead of him. You don’t fucking need him.

6. A hot bubble bath, tea, chocolate, a blank sheet of paper and paint can fix things for a night. I hope your bedroom becomes an art gallery. I hope you paint the walls and not your skin.

7. I still have love letters from my first boyfriend in the attic. You might not forget him but you sure as hell won’t always miss him. I won’t let you.

8. Sleep on the floor when your bed feels too empty without him. I’ll bring you extra pillows and blankets.

9. I’m sure he’s heart broken over you.

10. No, she’s not prettier than you baby girl, she’s nothing special.

11. I raised you to be the ocean not pools of blood on your sleeves.

12. He is not the same person you fell in love with. He doesn’t need your voice to fall asleep anymore and that’s okay. You’re in love with a stranger now. You don’t know him. He’s not the boy you kissed last weekend. So let him go. You’re not letting go of the boy you fell asleep with 3 months ago. You’re letting go of someone who doesn’t care if you fall asleep crying or not.

13. Don’t let him wipe away your tears. His fingers are razorblades and your cheeks will drip with blood. Don’t let him turn your freckles red.

14. You are the world. He’s lucky that you let him live in you for so long but he hasn’t been paying rent. Kick him out. He doesn’t deserve you.

15. You will find someone else to give yourself to, but not all of you, keep some for yourself.


Things alcoholic mothers tell their dying daughters (via extrasad)

Fuck

(via arabellashigh)

(via bbbbabygirl)

1. You can’t be fucking gone, I swear my hands are still warm from being held in yours.
2. I picked up your sweatshirt last night and tried to bury myself into your smell but it doesn’t smell like you anymore and I couldn’t stop shaking and crying and I’m sorry accidentally covered it in vomit.
3. My mom started to ask me when your birthday is and I said August 6th before she even finished the question, she said she was going shopping and wanted to know your favorite color so she could get you something and I collapsed into a pathetic puddle of tears.
4. Holy Fucking Shit you’re really gone but if it wasn’t you then who kissed my neck and left a hickey in the same place you always used to?
5. I really fucking miSs you please come back please come back please come back.

5 things i wanted to tell you over the phone but I started choking on my tears

(via
mainlysad)

(via mainlysad)

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